Irrepressible Paranoia

what description..cant you understand..the above two words!!! Look towards the Sun,and leave the shadows behind. There are too many of them - dark shadows of despair, hollows of pain. Yet there is but one Sun.

Friday, June 30, 2006

My Share of Black

Another day forced to live,disgustful,empty,itching and depressing,

I need my own chasm,my void,my vacuum,my drop of solace,my silent paradise.

Drawn away from my body,I want to linger anonymously in the silent black,

Where ignorance is bliss,and wisdom a big phony word,

Where the meek is not vanquished into a faceless oblivion,

Where stupidity doesnot subjugate sensibility.

I seek not anything-From you.I just need my elusive breath, my curable comfort,the last tingle of my solitudinous soul.

My mind cries and eyes bleed,in a helpless wiggle of desperation,

Parched for my moment of salvation,

I rummage your passages,your crossroads and lose myself,

Scourging the silence of the noiseful,and the noiseful silences,

Chasing a distant dream,that just might not be,

Under a false hope,a soporific delusion.

And i give up.After a painful eternity,after a cyclical infinity.

I GIVE UP.

Take me in your whoosing winds,in the unconcious dark of a liberating halo,in the whirs of complete currents and in your childish amuseme

Dawn, after a long slumber


Depession has always been condescended, more like an ugly, gangly child no one wants to be with or simply try to stay away as far as possible,like your mother telling you not to go and play with the dirty little child down the lane.
I dont like this.I think,it is time we wake up from our social imposition of putting up an optimistic countenance and attitude,and awake to the very substantiality and imperative existence of depression.I dont want to shun good thoughts,feelings,speech or any self-help books.They,like disappointment and desolation,exist imperatively.But the mere existence of good thoughts, must not and should not condescend the sad times and vice-versa. The way,i see the world,it seems like people,in a good state of mind are in a phase of an eternal war-fare with those going through the rough patch,Armed with the arsenal of cliched advices,petty platitudes and maxims,which fall flat and face first,in the overbearing and so true a face of your low-spiritedness.When I am disappointed,i dont go on raving at the world around,fuming at the enthu's and the excited,glancing disapprovingly at the trivial temporary happiness.I sit silently,look at the world around, and in my silence there is my breath that when extricated from its labyrinthine, seers through me and i start feeling better,because of the pause,the stay amidst the whole frenzied demise.At the end of it all,it seems only natural to return to the silence,which has been ignored for so long. Appreciating people who never stop and are perpetually industrious is something i cannot force myself to do,they are simply delaying the silence that is going to gloom on them with full force, and then they sadly would be left with nothing but their bottled insanity to face.

I am neither a proponent of depression,nor an opponent of joy.I am just a soul,trying to salvage the quintessence of sadness.

But then,i must understand that i am trying to sell you what you are just not ready to buy.You have been brought up on a drone and lore of nurturing good thoughts,even though you know in the recesses of your mind the sleaze you hold close, if exposed,will rip your image down to pieces.Act perky,for that is the way people will like you-but just dont be your own self.If you are silent and meditative or pondering,you will turn out to be boring and list-less.Be with the "in" thing,follow the fad,the trend and the latest style-no matter how uncomfortable and self-deceiving you feel!Talk loudly in debates,make yourself conspicuous,voice the rational,the reasonable,the practical for your CAT-group discussion,who cares whether the rational,the reasonable and the practical is not even put to a miniscule bit of real execution.

Your sadness,is your right to a better insight of this world.Your prerogative to be filled with gratitude for the things you have and to grow an immunity for the things you dont.It is your revival,your resusication,your own ugliness staring at you to be accepted in its fullness,so that you become open enough to see its beauty.It is your mess,you should have cleared long ago,but didnt and now you cannot overstuff the closet of your mind anymore.

I seek to start a whole new website on this concept.If only,i had known how to make a website,so if anyone does agree about what i said and has that bit of luxury with time, they are welcome to help me.It is high time time we did something else,something that digresses from the general course of thought,from the mentality of the tom,dick and harry.If the website is made it would be dedicated to the cause of bringing about a change,of a change that speaks about us being humans and being bonded,about love and risking something for a better state of mind,not necessarily for a better tomorrow but for a fulfilled present,a change where you and i come together and work for ourself,others and keep on working at that untill the distinction dissolves.

Friday, June 23, 2006

I wanna Fly........

Ma, can I fly?’

‘Not yet, dear. You are too young to fly. Wait for a few days more.’

‘But Ma, why am I still so young?’

‘Well, your wings still aren’t developed enough…they do not have the strength to keep you in air for long. Besides, what do you want to fly so soon for?’

‘You didn’t answer my question,’ observed the baby bird. ‘Dad flies. I’ve seen him flying ever since I’ve opened my little eyes. He makes it look so easy. You both make it look so easy. Please, can I have a try?’

‘Not yet, o young one. Don’t be so impatient.’

‘But Ma, I want to…’

‘You are yet unaware of the dangers of flight, son. The world isn’t as safe as it seems to you. The nest in which you’ve grown up is but a safe haven for you to grow up in. It is in no way comparable to the world outside. What’s more, you can’t fly yet’

‘And who says I can’t fly?’

Mother bird let out a pearl of laughter.

‘How impatient you are…just like your father. Look, here he comes.’

‘What is it? You seem to be amused.’

Baby bird began even before his Ma could speak.

‘I want to fly and Ma says no. Everybody says no. They say it is not right, that I must practice and fly with everyone.’

‘And you don’t feel that is correct, do you?’

‘NO! How will I ever know whether I know how to fly or not if you do not even let me try?’

‘But you have been practicing, haven’t you?’

‘Yes, but that too under tutelage. Listen, dear father, I know I haven’t mastered the skills yet. I know you are worried about me…perhaps even more than Ma is…yet you remain quiet and thoughtful. You know I always wanted to be like you. Why not let me go?’

The wise old bird smiled.

‘You are growing up quickly, my son. You have the courage, not only to fly out into the world, but also to fly in the face of what others call ‘conventional wisdom’. I’m glad for you. You are indeed a special child. Not only have you survived a difficult childhood, but you seem to have been chosen for a great future.’

‘But how can you say that? The others call my remarks and pranks as foolish and childish. What makes you certain it isn’t so?’

‘Who, in this petty life, hasn’t been criticized or ridiculed? The difference lies in their response. I chose a certain path. And you seem to be prepared to choose a path which only you can see. Remember, do not do what others think right for you to do; they aren’t the ones who live out the consequences. Do what seems correct to you. By no means do I suggest that you don’t take a word from the wise, but your life’s decisions are but your own. It is you who will regret or congratulate yourself later.’

‘And what of those who call me foolish?’

The old bird smiled yet again.

‘Only time and destiny shall answer whether you were foolish or courageous.’

‘Now really!!’ interjected Mama bird, ‘You don’t mean to say you’re giving him the permission to fly?’

‘No, I am not. All I’m telling him is to follow his heart…showing him a path not explored by many. Whether he walks down the oft trodden path or the more adventurous (and hence, more dangerous) one, is entirely his decision.’

‘You’re right, father. My heart tells me there is yet some time left…but my hour shall certainly come…’

-------------------------------------------------------------

The days flew by.

And then, one day, the baby bird, now a beautiful adult with brilliant long feathers, flew out into the open. The bird flew into troublesome winds at first, but soon it seemed to have mastered the challenges. And even as the rest of the flock flew together and doubted the young bird’s decision to fly in a hitherto unknown direction, the young bird knew that he had achieved something the others could only dream of…he had gone out and made a piece of the sky his own.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Its over to you

And I didn't think about
All the ways I hurt you and myself
And I wouldn't say a thing to you
I keep it to myself in
My mind
And I can't stand without you
And I won't find the answers
When you're gone
But it's over to you
I can't find the answer when you're gone
And it's over to you
But you can't find the answer where you are
And you know I need you now
And this ain't easy to admit
But no one needs to know
What goes on behind
The door in my room
I'm kicking through the
Walls in my mind
And I can't stand without you
And I won't find the answers
When you're gone
But it's over to you
I can't find the answer when you're gone
And it's over to you
You can't find the answer where you are
I won't tear you down
I won't tear you down
To get into the world you wanted
I'm kicking through the walls
But no one can believe
In things that never change
But it's over to you
I can't find the answer when you're gone
And it's over to you
You can't find the answers where you are
And it's over to you
I can't find the answer when you're gone
And it's over to you
You can' find the answer where you are

L - i - f - e

Have you ever had a time in your life when you find it extremely difficult to tell or share what is going on in your mind, with anyone. It could be something too personal or it may be because you are afraid it might hurt someone else.
Something you know people would not understand right now , because that is not normal.... that is not something that happens in the regular life .
And when I say you cannot tell anyone .. i mean ANYONE. Not your parents , best friends , brothers , sisters , girlfriends, boyfriends ..whatever.

What do you do if you find yourself in such a situation .... and please (for God's sake) don't think suicide as an answer. It is stupid. Too depressing ..... life is too beautiful to be wasted on any (and I really mean any) issue.

Remember this is a time when you don't want sympathy or even empathy.

Something similar was (/is?) happening with me. And this is what I have to say.

Music helps a lot. And I've been reading a lot lately on the internet ranging from blogs to business to movies to anything I can get hold of. Watching movies was another option to which I resorted to sometimes. I have kept myself busy some or the other way.

Is it really going to help ??
I think in some way it does help.
Right now, to quote someone, “I am just going with the flow.”

I search for some answers and I ask life to give me some clues and to guide me.
And what I am seeing happening around and with me, makes me wonder what life is showing to me.

I read some article and , you can call it a coincidence, somehow I find something which helps me to hold ground.
I watch a movie , and there is the actor saying something which suddenly hits me hard, as that seems exactly what the doctor ordered.
I put the winamp on random play mode and the song it plays aptly describes the situation I am in.

I picked up CLs PDP brochure and I read ...

You will face questions that will change your life , forever.
&
You will feel compelled to come with answers you never imagined you knew.

They were in an altogether different context but because of the state of mind I was in, it did make me laugh and wonder.
Now this is a very strange thing. There have been some situations in my life earlier when I had asked for some sign, some clue, something to help me take the right decision, God/life has responded to me in strange ways.
It is not that I am superstitious, and in normal circumstances I do not care about such things. But I like to experiment sometimes and in those times I become receptive to such signals.

Sometimes they don't lead to any significant consequence.
But sometimes they have been dead accurate.

Like, before leaving for Noida,when I was wishing something had not happened, I was watching(finally!!) Lord of the Rings, with a friend. And then there is this time in the movie when Frodo says,

' I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened. ',
to which Gandalf's voice replies

' So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces at work in this world Frodo...'

And suddenly everything starts to settle down.

Before leaving for Noida , I said Lets see what life has to show me next .... and what I had gone through there tells me this is a transition phase in my life, if not a totally life altering experience. Then meeting with old friends made me realize how things are being done and what is happening.
Finally after meeting new friends and then spending sometime alone, it dawns on me what I should be doing. Or may be what I wish I should be doing , cuz there is always the string of hope which we have to hold on to.


And somehow they strengthen my beliefs. Of free thought, individualism and self belief.
Thanks to my parents, a good education was my only concern in the early years. Apart from taking care of some distractions that could have affected my studies, I was allowed to think freely and without prejudices. Fortunately(or unfortunately) I have managed my thought process to not be influenced heavily by any external factor until now. Now that even includes(on certain issues) my parents.
That is one of the reasons why I completely fail to understand the need of classification of society in any form, if just not to create an order for administrative reasons. But because of the petty complexes that people promptly develop , the only purpose it ends up serving is further division and ego clashes.


What's the point in all this screaming
No one's listening anyway

hence I better shut up now. Rather than proving things to others let me do things I believe in, my way.

But since I have a knack of recalling situations whenever I listen to the same song, I would never be able to forget my present state, which oscillates between a beautiful vulnerable melancholy that never crosses over to gloom, and a sense of bliss that is full of hope and conviction.
And life.


"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself" - Friedrich Nietzsche