Office Humour :)

Maybe I've been in a working environment for too long.. but I found this funnier than the ads posted by desperate and linguistically challenged gais an' gaals looking to be making frands with other "open-minded", "fun-loving" types through DT, HT City, or those online dating/matrimonial websites which I never visit (the very thought!)...

I think its because of the comments... (3 Hours Later: Or maybe not...)


Cover letter: I would be prepared to meet with you at your earliest convenience to discuss what I can do to your company."
I am thinking... a horse's severed head.

Cover letter: "It is my professional objective to obtain a position which allows me to make use of my commuter skills."
I think we can oblige

Cover letter: Weaknesses: "Suffer from prickly heat in summer."
Sounds uncomfortable.

Cover letter: "Enclosed is my resume for your viewing pleasure."
Hold on while I get the chips..

Cover letter: "You are privileged to receive my resume."
We'll try not to let it go to our heads.

Cover letter: "To mature in the field of human behavior."
Having conquered the animal world?

Cover letter: Experience: "10 years of experience in financail budgiting and transactions rigistering."
But limited experience with the spell-check function.

Cover letter: "Please overlook my resume."
too late...

Cover letter: "I'm submitting the attached copy of my resume for your consumption."
Yum.

Cover letter: Skills: "Grate communication skills."
Yes, but can you talk and chop at the same time?

Cover letter: Experience: "Responsibilities included recruiting, screening, interviewing and executing final candidates."
CIA not working out anymore eh?

Cover letter: "Salary demanded - $65,000."
Would you like that in small, unmarked bills?

Cover letter: Education: "B.A. in Loberal Arts."
Did you minor in ear piercing?

Cover letter: "I've updated my resume so it's more appalling to employers."
It has worked…

Cover letter: "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
Unquestionably Hired!

That Irritated Feeling.

I have got it.

It’s a blisteringly hot day in Delhi… the birds are croaking, the frogs are sizzling, and people are getting on each other’s nerves. I had stepped outside to get a haircut but instead, found myself being lured into a shady cyber café by the decadent charms of an AC. After the traditional staring-at-the-screen-willing-myself-to-think ceremony (A regular write of passage, you might say), I have decided to type out whatever crap comes to mind. Some of it is profound. Some of it is mundane. Most of it is retractable without apology.

Was Jinnah secular?

Was your Grandfather’s barber secular? Did he brush his teeth? How the hell does it matter? What kind of stupid f***s can’t get over the Partition? Firstly, Pakistan is in way more shit than India, so if there hadn’t been a partition, we would have had all their problems, secondly, even if there was some big emotional ripping apart experience, it was 58 years ago. I feel really sorry for the poor guys who still wallow in the tragedy that was The Partition. Get over it You Morons! Some people have REAL problems; if you are such a big nationalist do something about that.

Is Ideology greater than an Individual?

My ideology is that it’s not. Sue me.

Is there a God?

Man created God. You can pick your answer.

What do Women want?

To be respected and dominated at the same time. And it’s not as contradictory as it sounds. (That’s what they want from a guy, don’t ask me what they do in shops).

What’s the Answer to Life, the Universe and Everything?

A wise man (even though he was in love at the time) once told me: “The funny thing about life is that we live it in one direction and understand it in another.” Whatever other profound implications that has for philosophy, it certainly means one thing: There is only so much time you should ponder over a question. You can never know anything for certain. You can back up everything and question everything.

So, in effect… 42 is perfectly fine.

What do Women want ?

See above.

What is it like to be an adult? (or is Tarantino a good film maker?)

I liked Pulp Fiction… it was funny and violent and well done. Kill Bill, however, sucks. One of my cousins was staying over last night. She turned on the TV late last night. Just the kind of a thing I’d do. She changed channels in rapid succession. Just the kind of a thing I’d do. And settled on a scene in which Uma Thurman is smashing a bad guy’s head between a door and the edge of the doorway. Normally, I would not have minded seeing such gratuitous aggression but in this case I felt a sudden urge to plonk© (All Rights Reserved.) my cousin and ask her to watch something more placid. A good old saas-bahu drama perhaps, wherein the height of aggression is a “One Tight Slap”, which leaves a woman and her illegitimate son with no choice but to destroy the aggressor’s family. I was even willing to watch some idiot of a singer getting orgasmic while expressing his love for Sonu Nigam. I realized at that instant what my parents go through each night and why, despite the fact that logic always seems to be on my side in the ensuing argument, I should listen to them anyway.

Note to self: The spoiling-my-kids-rotten plan might need some reconsideration.

Why can’t trees move and speak? (or What is Childhood?)

The first memory that I have of school is getting thrown out of a class play because I had the nerve to walk amongst the rest of the characters from Old McDonald’s farm and try chatting with them. I was repeatedly warned of course, but no one really explained why can’t I have lines simply because I was vegetation? Hell, even my brother had a cheep-cheep here and a cheep-cheep there.

Here’s what is wrong with the world? It misplaces importance. Childhood is when you have your priorities right.

…I have a lot of Final Solutions lying around but not enough time to write them right now (Look Ma! No commercial breaks!)… Do mail in with questions I might have missed, suggestions to be coolly ignored, checks to be cashed in immediately, and comments that amuse me into writing.

Yours Faithfully,
Till Death do us Part,
Etc etc,
And all that Jazz

A Sign of Times!!

Here's an interesting thought that I had today.

Is physical proximity becoming less and less relevant with regards to social interaction?
In general, on a working day, the only face-to-face conversations that I have are with my TL when there is an issue that has to be sorted. And my life hasn't yet reached such depths of insipidness that I start calling such conversations, "social interaction".

Ranking by propinquity, the next level of interaction is through the internal office messenger. (The button's of which say 'Fire' and 'Intercept'!! I am still damn kicked about that!) I think that the IP (short form for internal messenger, don't ask me why) has the singular honor of being the funniest tool ever created by Mankind. For one, the messages that are exchanged over IP consist largely of "hehehehehe!!", or "lunch?", or "Please Close XYZ file. I need to use it." The second and more important reason is that these messages are exchanged between people sitting NEXT to each other. If you turn to speak to the person who sent the message, you'll find them staring expectantly at their screen. Then, to make the absurdity complete, when you say something, they only turn around to face you with extreme reluctance… almost as if they want to say "Do you mind, I am working here!".

Don't get me wrong, these are perfectly nice people, and let me also clarify…I am a big fan of IP!

Moving along, the next level of social interaction for me, is through SMSs. When the day's work is done (the chickens locked up and the horse droppings swept away) I lie in my bed and often find myself wondering what my friends might be upto. Since I am too cheap to call up anyone, I shoot off a highly intimate "How's it Going? Delhi is very hot man! Are you coming here sometime?" to buddies in different parts of the country. Sometimes, I add an abuse to make it even more intimate. The girls tend to call back and the guys generally reply sometime around 3 when I am no longer missing anyone. Besides these highly intimate messages, I also receive 30-50 communiqués from banks (offering easy loans to ease all my financial troubles), pizza joints (offering an extra pizza on every purchase of a pizza exactly large enough for me), and the Caller Tune people (trying to convince me that all that is wrong with my social life can be fixed by downloading Punjabi music and making people who call me listen to it.) I can't decide whether SMSs constitute genuine interaction or do they only help to cure the anxiety that one may be losing touch with people.

Next up, we have online discussions through this Blog on raging current issues like… well... read One Lump or Two? . Besides, there is the adorable PaGaLGUY.com a brilliant discussion forum for MBA aspirants and good fun for everyone. I like it even when I find myself arguing that perhaps all poor people are NOT lazy and cerebrally weak with yet another guy who thinks he's got the world figured out because he's just read Ayn Rand.

These forms of interaction are in some ways even better than real face-to-face discussion! Firstly, they are protracted over not hours but days!! Generally, people who participate in my Blog discussions talk my type of arbidness so the chaos is familiar and heart warming. By the way I think Batman just kills the scene! And, at PG, you can pick what you wish to respond to or talk about… they even have a thread on "Right Woman to Marry" though so far, I've keenly resisted the urge to add my comments there!

Now that I am here, there is much to be said about the wonders of the Information Age. The free speech, the free porn, the almost free means of communication, and of course, the huge amounts of knowledge that one can pick up from the comforts (tight pants or not) of one's swivel chair.

Keep watching this space, for more on that.

PS: Not Literally!! You can go pee now and then.