L - i - f - e

Have you ever had a time in your life when you find it extremely difficult to tell or share what is going on in your mind, with anyone. It could be something too personal or it may be because you are afraid it might hurt someone else.
Something you know people would not understand right now , because that is not normal.... that is not something that happens in the regular life .
And when I say you cannot tell anyone .. i mean ANYONE. Not your parents , best friends , brothers , sisters , girlfriends, boyfriends ..whatever.

What do you do if you find yourself in such a situation .... and please (for God's sake) don't think suicide as an answer. It is stupid. Too depressing ..... life is too beautiful to be wasted on any (and I really mean any) issue.

Remember this is a time when you don't want sympathy or even empathy.

Something similar was (/is?) happening with me. And this is what I have to say.

Music helps a lot. And I've been reading a lot lately on the internet ranging from blogs to business to movies to anything I can get hold of. Watching movies was another option to which I resorted to sometimes. I have kept myself busy some or the other way.

Is it really going to help ??
I think in some way it does help.
Right now, to quote someone, “I am just going with the flow.”

I search for some answers and I ask life to give me some clues and to guide me.
And what I am seeing happening around and with me, makes me wonder what life is showing to me.

I read some article and , you can call it a coincidence, somehow I find something which helps me to hold ground.
I watch a movie , and there is the actor saying something which suddenly hits me hard, as that seems exactly what the doctor ordered.
I put the winamp on random play mode and the song it plays aptly describes the situation I am in.

I picked up CLs PDP brochure and I read ...

You will face questions that will change your life , forever.
&
You will feel compelled to come with answers you never imagined you knew.

They were in an altogether different context but because of the state of mind I was in, it did make me laugh and wonder.
Now this is a very strange thing. There have been some situations in my life earlier when I had asked for some sign, some clue, something to help me take the right decision, God/life has responded to me in strange ways.
It is not that I am superstitious, and in normal circumstances I do not care about such things. But I like to experiment sometimes and in those times I become receptive to such signals.

Sometimes they don't lead to any significant consequence.
But sometimes they have been dead accurate.

Like, before leaving for Noida,when I was wishing something had not happened, I was watching(finally!!) Lord of the Rings, with a friend. And then there is this time in the movie when Frodo says,

' I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened. ',
to which Gandalf's voice replies

' So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces at work in this world Frodo...'

And suddenly everything starts to settle down.

Before leaving for Noida , I said Lets see what life has to show me next .... and what I had gone through there tells me this is a transition phase in my life, if not a totally life altering experience. Then meeting with old friends made me realize how things are being done and what is happening.
Finally after meeting new friends and then spending sometime alone, it dawns on me what I should be doing. Or may be what I wish I should be doing , cuz there is always the string of hope which we have to hold on to.


And somehow they strengthen my beliefs. Of free thought, individualism and self belief.
Thanks to my parents, a good education was my only concern in the early years. Apart from taking care of some distractions that could have affected my studies, I was allowed to think freely and without prejudices. Fortunately(or unfortunately) I have managed my thought process to not be influenced heavily by any external factor until now. Now that even includes(on certain issues) my parents.
That is one of the reasons why I completely fail to understand the need of classification of society in any form, if just not to create an order for administrative reasons. But because of the petty complexes that people promptly develop , the only purpose it ends up serving is further division and ego clashes.


What's the point in all this screaming
No one's listening anyway

hence I better shut up now. Rather than proving things to others let me do things I believe in, my way.

But since I have a knack of recalling situations whenever I listen to the same song, I would never be able to forget my present state, which oscillates between a beautiful vulnerable melancholy that never crosses over to gloom, and a sense of bliss that is full of hope and conviction.
And life.


"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself" - Friedrich Nietzsche