Ambivalence is becoming my virtue...

I dont know what kept me away from my sounding board this last month. My mind is ready with incisive remarks- from the mundane boredom and business argument to pretentious corny lines like the need for a sabbatical to rediscover my passion in life and a pre-natal urge to shut myself off, disappear and live free for a moment.
All of them help lighten the load- the load of regret at leaving so much untold, at knowing very well that any attempt at heaving the backpack of those memories through this to the light of expression at the blog will be painfully forced. If i am back, it is because i have realised that my passion is staring right at me, the problem never was one of havong to find it. It was about being assiduous in its pursuit.
I look back today and see that life's lane is littered with promises half-fulfilled, endeavors part ended, and a generally unhealthy proportion of part Bs resorted to. I have always aimed far for my range, believed in having the stars at the moon's expense rather than aiming for the neighbourhood lamppost.
But what if i was starting the pursuit withe smugh confidence of getting to the stars?
What if this confidence and my self-imposed barrier to influences of higher class meant that i was content with lackluster slothful efforts, as my fellow frogs in the well were trained at only the lowly lamppost....
I need to buck up. As events race through spacetime, i cannot be led astray by fantastic indolence, for i deserve better treatment from myself. My blog remains my exit, my vent; but i wonder if it should be more, part of my system of checks and balances???